Sexuality and Spirituality
Sermon by Stephen D. Edington, November 17, 1996
Those of you who attended our annual service auction last spring may remember that I offered as my contribution to the event a sermon topic of one's choice to the highest bidder. It was about the second or third time I've made such an offer at our auctions, and I always do so with no small amount of trepidation: What if nobody bids on it? That would be a pretty sobering message. Whatever trepidation I may have had on that evening last April turned to amazement as people actually began bidding against each other for this thing, and Dan Murphy kept raising every bid made. I kept waiting for his wife to throw a bag over his head or something, but it never happened and he came in with the winning offer. I don't remember what his bid actually was, other than it proved to be a very generous donation to the church; and left me wondering how I was ever supposed to come up with a sermon equal to his generosity.
Then the time came for Dan to "cash in" and I got a letter from him which read, in part:
"One of the things I find appealing about UUism is the positive view of human sexuality and its many variations. I see this in the "About Your Sexuality" (program) presented to our Junior High Students. I see it in our denomination's pioneering efforts to be inclusive of gay and lesbian members... [He then writes] I would like to hear more about the topic of adult sexuality from a UU perspective. We hear lots of negatives regarding sex from the (some religious quarters)...How do we as a liberal religious organization answer this?..Do we go so far as to acknowledge a connection between sexuality and spirituality?...What do we offer to adults (with respect to sexuality) as we continue our life journey?..."Gee Dan, why didn't you give me a really tough one?!
This is one of those topics I've dealt with as part of a larger subject in other sermons, but have never tried to put all in one place. But I enjoy a challenge--most of the time--and trying to tackle as wide ranging a subject as human sexuality and spirituality in one twenty minute or so sweep is nothing if not a challenge. So, on with it. And when I'm done I will then have to carefully consider whether or not I'll make such an offer at future service auctions.
For openers, Dan is quite right in noting that we UUs do take a positive view of human sexuality, and, in truth, we are not alone among religious communities and traditions in doing so. We do try to teach our young people, through our "About Your Sexuality" program to affirm their developing sexuality, to see it as a positive and creative force in their lives--while also exploring what are appropriate and inappropriate attitudes and behaviors with respect to their sexuality. I think the adults among us who over the years have volunteered so much of their time to be leaders of this series when we offer it are to be commended for making a very important contribution to the lives of our young people. It is also true as well, as Dan says, that we take--try to take--an affirming approach to persons whose sexual orientation is gay or lesbian, seeking to make our congregations, and our ministry, a welcoming and accepting place for all. I devoted a sermon to this subject about a month ago.
Staying with this UU perspective, I have seen in our movement over the past twenty years or so, not so much a change of mind or attitude about human sexuality but a need and a willingness to face up to the reality that, when abused, human sexuality can be as destructive as it can be life enhancing. In the late 60s and on through the 70s--and I may well be overdrawing this a little--but the "general take" for supposedly enlightened liberal religious types was sex is great and lets be free and open in expressing our sexual feelings and attitudes to and among each other, and lets not so weighted down with all these religiously based fears and dogmas that shut us off from being in touch with ourselves as the healthy sexual beings we really are. Much of that attitude was indeed positive, coming as it did in response or reaction to a cultural norm where denial that we were even sexual beings at all held sway. Ozzie and Harriet slept in separate beds and a major television network debated whether or not the term "pregnant" should be used on the I Love Lucy show. What was called the "sexual revolution"--and how much of a revolution it really was is a matter of debate--was largely a reaction to an atmosphere of denial and repression.
Then around the mid-1980s, some 10-12 years ago, the tone began to change when the subject was sex. I speaking about both our UU denomination and the culture at large. We began looking much more closely and soberly at the relationship between sexuality and power; or the use of sex by one person in exercising power over another, and the emotional and psychological effects of that kind of exercise of power. This was an element that was largely ignored when the more predominant theme was sexual liberation.
Over the past decade about a half a dozen, I would guess, members of the UU clergy have either resigned or been dismissed from the UU ministry due to sexual misconduct with respect to members of their congregations. That's not a huge number, but we are a very small denomination. And we are far from being the only denomination having to deal with that very unfortunate and tragic reality. In more recent years the themes of certain UU conferences and workshops, for ministers and laypersons alike, have focused with how we make our congregations safe places for their members, how we respect boundaries when it comes to sexual attitudes and behaviors, and the like. In the larger society, as well as within our UU movement, increasing attention is being given to persons--mostly, but not entirely, women--who are suffering from mental, emotional, psychological, and spiritual distress due to sexual abuse that was inflicted upon them at some point in their lives, either in their distant or immediate past. How we make our congregations safe and accepting places for persons who have experienced these kinds of traumas has been an increasing topic of concern and conversation amongst us in more recent years.
So if asked, as I have been, to speak to a Unitarian Universalist, or liberal religious, perspective on adult sexuality, I'd say that right now we are trying to sort through and come to terms with how we have dealt with this matter over the past 20 to 25 years. During that time we have affirmed human sexuality as a creative, nurturing, life-enhancing and pleasurable force within our lives; we've also had to confront its destructive and volatile side as well. I think, or at least I'd like to think, that over the past 25-30 years we religions liberals have become a little older and wiser about human sexuality. I'd say we regard it as a very positive force in our lives, a vital and integral part of who we are, as well as something for which we also have to take some sober responsibility. We do not want to see our children be guilt ridden or unduly anxious about their sexuality as they come of age, given that some degree of adolescent anxiety about emerging sexuality is just plain unavoidable. But I think we also want them to understand that sexual behavior and activity requires a level of emotional maturity that most persons in their mid-teen years just don't have. We don't want to come off as fuddy-duddy moralists, but we know we're not cut out to be libertines either. This is my quick take on the current scene. Let me take a few steps back now and deal with this topic from an even wider view.
What do I mean by "sexuality" anyway? I found a definition, or understanding, that I especially liked in a rather large anthology called Looking at Gay and Lesbian Life and published by our own denomination's Beacon Press. [W. Blumenfield and D. Raymond. Beacon Press, 1988.] There's one chapter in it, though, that deals with the larger topic of sexuality and sexual attitudes in the western world, irregardless of sexual orientation. Here a line in that chapter: "'Sexuality' refers not (simply) to (our) basic biological sexual functions, but also to the attitudes, beliefs, values, fantasies, taboos, rituals, and customs which individuals and societies have constructed in connection with these functions." Its much more, in other words, than what you do with what you've got. It has more to do with how you feel about your self as a sexual being and how at peace you are with your gender and orientation; and with your ways of being with and relating to others of both the same and opposite sex as yourself. In a somewhat larger sense, sexuality is about being accepting of, or at least on reasonably good terms with, your physical self--your body--as it goes through its many life stages, and even when you feel your body is betraying you. The latter can be a bit of a test at times.
As for spirituality, there seem to be definitions proliferating faster than one can keep up with them. I heard a pretty simple and straightforward one that, with some modification, I liked from a psychiatrist with the National Institute for Healthcare Research at a half-day conference I attended at Rivier College last Thursday. Dr. David Larson was speaking on the need for mental health professionals to better understand and appreciate the role--the largely positive role as he was able to demonstrate--that religion plays in the lives of their clients and patients. I got several sermon ideas just listening to him, and they will all have to sit on the shelf for the time being.
Spirituality, as Dr. Larson quite simply defined it, is: "A person's search for meaning and purpose in life focusing on one's relationship with God." The search for spirituality is the search for meaning, purpose, and depth in one's life, which also involves pursuing and feeling one's relationship with the rest of Being. A spiritually grounded person, as I see it, is someone who in the midst of all the tests, trials and trivialities we each and all inevitably encounter, can maintain an open, affirming, and trusting attitude towards life while feeling grounded both within themselves and grounded in that which they sense is greater than themselves--whether they choose to call it "God" or anything else. There are any number of ways of seeking and attaining such spirituality--some through conventional religious beliefs and practices and others through less conventional or in much more personal ways, but that's what it is: Being grounded with yourself, with that which is beyond yourself, and finding meaning, purpose, and direction in that grounding.
These two--sexuality and spirituality--can either enhance one another or work against each other; and it seems that human beings in the western world have been trying to figure out which way it is for a few thousand years now: Are these two friends or enemies? I'll see if I can explain what I mean with a very quick, and admittedly cursory, swing through history. The two main traditions that have shaped our current attitudes, beliefs, and values are the Greco-Roman and the Judeo-Christian. Lets look at each one with respect to sexuality and spirituality, beginning with the Greco-Roman.
The polytheistic gods of the Greeks and Romans acted a lot like human beings in many ways, including having sexual encounters with each other. Since sexuality was a characteristic of the gods and goddesses themselves, it could hardly be regarded as bad, evil, or suspect in mere mortals. I do not pretend to be a student of ancient Greece, but what I can glean seems to suggest that one's primary moral imperative with regard to sex in that culture was to produce future Greek citizens. Whatever else you did sexually--if you were a man that is--does not seem to be much of a moral issue. Homosexuality, as such, does not appear to have been condemned in ancient Greece unless one was taking part in it to the exclusion of one's civic duty to procreate. Women, unfortunately for that time, did not even have the status of citizens, and hardly even fared in the discussion of what was moral or not.
At a later stage in this civilization, however, Greek philosophers began to portray their universe in a dualistic fashion between "matter" and "spirit" or "mind"--with things of the mind or spirit being considered superior to just mere "matter." A chief proponent of this dualism was Plato; and "Platonic" love, the engagement of mind and spirit came to be seen as morally superior to just a "mere" (as it were)carnal meeting of the flesh. So it seems that the Greek take on sex was that it was OK, but inferior to a true meeting of the minds.
In the Judeo-Christian tradition there is only one monotheistic God who is transcendent of the world, and beyond all earthly and earthy matters, including earthy sexuality. He is also much more moralistic that the Greek and Roman gods. But the Hebrew God does create the first male and female; He declares them "good"--flesh and all--and places them in an idyllic setting and tells them to procreate. In fact, most, if not all, of the Old Testament rules and prohibitions about sex, which are ascribed to the Hebrew God, Yahweh, about such things as homosexuality and masturbation are really expressions of the fears and concerns of a tribal people that they wouldn't survive if they didn't produce enough offspring. Things like multiple wives, and even incest in some instances, don't seem to bother Yahweh all that much as long as procreation takes place. That is really the bottom line on which practically all of the Old Testament sexual prohibitions are based.
With Christianity, the messages about sexuality are mixed, to put it mildly. Jesus, as portrayed in the New Testament, doesn't really have a whole lot to say about sexual morality or its relationship to spirituality. His big themes were love, justice, compassion, and healing. Jesus' speaking out against divorce and adultery were primarily intended to protect the women of his society, who like those of Greek society, had practically no status or rights of their own at all. His one dealing with an allegedly adultererous woman was to disperse a mob that was about to stone her to death and then send her on her way. Jesus comes off in places as a rather sensual person actually--producing some extra wine for a wedding party and having a woman rub his feet with some kind of body oil.
It is Saint Paul, on the other hand, the first Christian theologian, who portrays sexuality and spirituality as enemies of each other. He essentially says that marriage is for those who cannot sufficiently contain their lust enough to remain in a celibate state. He is quite clear in labeling the flesh as the enemy of the spirit. If he had seen a woman with a flask of body oil making for his feet, he probably would have run the other way. I find it ironic that one of the most beautiful passages in the New Testament, the "Love Chapter" of First Corinthians, which I've used or had read at numerous weddings I've officiated, was written by a man who also gave pretty good evidence of fearing, if not loathing, his own body. Paul took that Greek dualism I mentioned a couple of minutes ago and gave it a twist that the Greeks themselves never intended. The Greeks did not say that spirit and flesh were enemies of each other--only that one was superior to the other.
Whatever each of our personal religious or philosophical persuasions may be, we swim--as it were--in a culture that has inherited all of these mixed messages when it comes to sexuality and spirituality. Some of what we have inherited has indeed been used in very harmful ways. Paul's writings have been used to make people feel guilty about even having sexual thoughts or feelings. The Biblical admonitions against homosexuality have been pulled out of their historical context where procreation was the dominant moral imperative and used to incite fear and misunderstanding, if not outright hatred of gay and lesbian persons. We know this. There is, at the same time, an important truth contained in the mixed message itself. For there are ways in which one's sexuality can enhance spirituality and enhance one's relationship to Life itself, and other ways in which it can diminish or even destroy it that relationship; and this is the final area I want to move into now.
Recall what I said earlier, that spirituality involves being grounded well enough with oneself to live with a basic attitude or stance of trust and acceptance toward the world and life, even while knowing that life can at times deal with us in capricious and cruel ways. Persons who have been victims of sexual abuse or sexual misconduct, and who are able to talk about their struggle to deal with its aftermath, say that in addition to their bodies, what has also been greatly violated is their ability or capacity to trust life, to trust their world, their surroundings. Sexual abuse or misconduct, as mentioned earlier, are primarily an abuse of power--they're about the use of sexuality to demonstrate or establish power and dominance over another. We've seen this come to light in some pretty shocking ways at a couple of our military bases just this past week. Such abuse or misconduct is a spiritual as well as an emotional or physical violation in it raises question within a person of how can I trust anyone or anything anymore now that this has happened to me. Its an old saw, but its true, sexuality can provide a lot of warmth, pleasure and nurture--and it can also be very destructive, especially when linked to an abuse of power.
Moving on from this point, it seems to me that one way of assessing how well in sync one's sexuality and one's spirituality is to take a little personal inventory and ask is my sexuality as I experience it, affirm it, and take responsibility for it allowing me to feel connected with this larger life that is all around me, or cut off from it. Can I say "yes" to who I am, taking into account all the aspects of my being, in such a way that I am also saying "yes" to life itself. Am I secure enough in my own sexuality that I deal with it in ways that it secures my relationship with whoever it is that means the most to me.
If Freud was right, and he probably was on this one, that there is some kind of sexual energy present in practically all human encounters--how do I both recognize that and then take responsibility for my behavior? And then, the question I raised a few weeks ago in speaking to gay and lesbian issues, am I secure enough in my own sexuality that I do not need to feel fearful of, or intimidated, by persons whose orientation may not be the same as my own? These are some of the issues I see as being present when it comes to adult sexuality. Perhaps we could use an "About Your Sexuality" series for adults in our congregations--just as we have one for our young people. I don't know that I want to lead it, but its not a bad idea.
I'll finish up with this: A couple of years ago a major survey of the sexual attitudes and behaviors of the American people was done through research facilities of the University of Chicago and the National Institutes of Health--the most comprehensive one done since the Kinsey Report. The discovery that got the most attention in this survey was that most of us are living reasonably happy monogamous lives. When Time magazine ran a feature article on the report, Garrison Keillor chimed in with a side bar that read, in part:
"(When it comes to sex) almost half the adult population claims to be extremely pleased and satisfied, which is a lot of pleasure in a country this big. The happiest ones are the monogamous couples, married or not...Despite all you may have read lately there is an incredible amount of normality going on in America these days, and that is good to know. Our country is not obsessed with sex. To the contrary. We wear ourselves out working, we are surrounded by noise and distraction and all matter of entertainment, we indulge our children as they run roughshod over our lives, the ghosts of old aunts and beady eyed preachers lurk in the shadows watching us. Considering what the American couple is up against its astounding to think that once a week or once a month or maybe just on Memorial Day and Christmas, or whenever the coast is clear, they are enjoying this gorgeous moment that is, despite its secrecy essentially the same experience as everyone else has had. It is almost worth all the misery of dealing with real estate people, bankers, lawyers, and contractors--to have a home that has a bedroom where the two of you can go sometimes...It is worth growing up and becoming middle-aged to be able to enjoy it utterly."
I got a chuckle out of that, as I do from most of Mr. Keillor's musings. But I also have to say that I'm not greatly concerned about whether or not there is, as he put it, "an incredible amount of normality" about these days. What I'm more desirous of seeing is an "incredible amount" of humanity and grace amongst us, here in this community; humanity and grace that will allow us to share our lives with one another in a free and trusting atmosphere; that will allow us to share in our joys and stand with one another in our struggles; that will allow us to see the beauty and the promise in each others lives and experience it in our own as well. May the humanity and grace we offer to one another enable each of us to become more fully human, and may we ever more fully appreciate and celebrate the piece of work we each and all are.
Copyright © 1996 by the Unitarian-Universalist Church of Nashua NH. All rights reserved.
