Paper Valentines
A Sermon by Jackie Clement
15 February 2004
February. Gray skies. Brown slush. The point in the year you might begin to think that the snow is not quite so picturesque. President's Day and Ground Hog Day are not the sort of holidays that make you want to get out your dancing shoes.
Ah, but February brings us Valentine's Day. A day dedicated to love could redeem any month, no matter how chilling the wind. Valentine's Day. One of my greatest childhood treasures is a plastic pin, a deer with a heart hanging around its neck - a valentine from my father. In college, I would get up early on Valentine's day to craft personalized greetings for each of my friends. White roses made from computer paper and pipe cleaners or cards of pink tissue paper covered in sparkly stickers, each red foil heart a statement of regard.
But somewhere along the line my view of Valentine's Day shifted. Is Valentine's Day really about love, or is it merely another Hallmark moment, crafted to cause would-be squires to buy small fuzzy bears that lock in perpetual magnetic embrace? My first clue that the things of Valentine's Day, the cards and chocolates, were mere trappings was the year my husband and I ended up at Osco Drugs. There we showed each other the card we would have bought if we were going to buy each other cards. Did the busyness of life override the intention of the day? Did it get lost in the over-commercialism that plagues Christmas making me some sort of Valentine's Grinch?
Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm a fool for love and the idea of dedicating a day, a month, a year, a life to it. I love the entire concept of mindfully and intentionally expressing our feelings to the people in our lives. It's just that Valentine's Day seems to have become a point where expectations and reality diverge. A day that can make you feel left out and not quite good enough if you don't have that special someone. And worse, a day that celebrates paper valentines. A day that perpetuates the myth that falling in love is being in love, that those first stomach fluttering, heart-pounding feelings of romance are love.
Mature love, the love that grows in committed relationship bears little resemblance to that first blush. Mature love at it's best incorporates some of the best parts of that romance - the goofy smile that comes when that special person comes into the room or the warmth that flows through you at their embrace - but loving is not falling in love. It is bigger. It is fuller. It is a love that does not come from romantic dinners and champagne. It is forged in fire, through the trials, the boredom, the shared tears and laughter, the decisions and doubts and debts of life together. It takes work and the willingness to extend yourself beyond your own skin, taking into account that you are not one, no matter how romantic that may sound. You are two, with different thoughts and desires, customs, dislikes and expectations. And if you can still meet each other with all those differences you will know true love. If, instead of giving yourself up to the other, you extend yourself to meet the other, you will have a basis for life together.
When we buy the myth peddled by paperback novels, soap operas and romantic comedies we set ourselves up for disappointment. We put ourselves where expectations and reality diverge. How many newly married couples experience a post-wedding let-down that leaves them questioning their choices, their love, their commitment, their very understanding of life. It is the new topic of psychologists and self-help authors. Suddenly, books on the phenomenon of post-wedding depression abound written by therapists whose offices host a steady flow of disaffected mates. Their common theme is that young couples, and especially brides, make such a fantasy of the courtship and the wedding, that they are hard hit by the reality of being married. Here are these two people, the center of attention from the day of the engagement to the day of the wedding. Parties, showers, luncheons, details to be made and beautiful gowns to be bought, flowers and photographers, the honeymoon to a paradise for two, dreams to dream and that special someone to adore. It is indeed heady stuff, the stuff of Valentine's Day.
But then reality. The party dress goes to the cleaners and you're left with 200 champagne glasses to wash. There are jobs to get to, groceries to buy, schedules to coordinate, your folks or mine for Thanksgiving, the pressures of earning a living and making a life. When the romance wears thin, there has to be something deeper than red foil hearts to carry you through. That where the love comes in. That's where commitment and caring comes in. And that's where 50% of marriages fail.
I'm not saying that all marriages should be saved, or can be saved. It is the rare person among us who has not experienced a relationship, romantic or otherwise, which is best off ended. I am, however, saying that when we set an unrealistic view of what love is we set ourselves up for disappointment and doubt and divorce.
Our contemporary culture presents us with neither realistic expectations of love nor a particularly exalted view of marriage. From movies that promise fairy tale love between the Wall Street tycoon and the chauffeur's daughter to songs that avow impossible depth and breadth of feeling. Possibly the greatest cultural blow to true love I can remember is from the book and movie, Love Story, who's tag line assured us that "love means never having to say you're sorry." Oh, I don't think so. The sentiment is, as one film reviewer called it, "just plain stupid." Ah, the fantasy of romantic truth, 24 frames per second.
Even our beloved paper valentines, the Valentine cards meant to convey sincere regard, join in perpetuating these skewed views of love. Given the price of greeting cards, I brought a statistically invalid sampling with me, but this card is a pretty nice example of the genre of poor expectations - All I'll ever need is all your love. Happy Valentine's Day. OK, here's the Grinch part. This card does not express sentiment - I love you - but places a demand - Love me or I shall wither and die. Further, it states that I need nothing else in my life, but the devotion of one person. Unlikely. Few of us are so singularly focused that we need no other relationship, no other interactions and friends and family. It implies eternity, always a chancy thing in its best state, but this card promises an eternity locked in a dysfunctional romance.
No, contemporary culture presents us with neither realistic expectations of love nor a particularly exalted view of marriage. Marriage, like so much else in our society, has been become a commodity worth, apparently, one million dollars. In the name of entertainment and cash we are willing to compete to marry a complete stranger, as long as he's a millionaire. We are told that given a pool of 12 strangers, one million dollars and eight weeks in prime time that eternal happiness is ours. And with the program My Big, Fat Obnoxious Fiancé we have perhaps hit bottom, making a thorough mockery of love and commitment. Now, I have never actually seen this show, and I generally think it's a bad idea to decry something you've never actually witnessed, but I feel pretty safe in asserting that the producers and participants of this show have no interest in upholding the sanctity of marriage.
Now of course reality TV has nothing to do with reality, so I shouldn't even expect it, but the state of the estate is hardly more stable off-screen. During a recent and particularly tedious visit to the dentist's office I had the dubious pleasure of flipping through two issues of People Magazine. Following on Britney Spears' heartwarming 55-hour long marriage, one writer reviewed a long list of celebrity marriages that lasted less than a year. He finally conferred the title on Ms. Spears, nosing out Rudolph Valentino's 6-hour marriage in 1919 because apparently the wheels of justice ground slower in 1919 and it took 2 years to finalize Valentino's divorce. Whichever contender takes the title, I have to say that a marriage measured in hours is perhaps lacking a certain spiritual connection. You will not be shocked to learn that Elizabeth Taylor, a front-runner in the most-married category, also makes a credible showing in the brevity category with two marriages lasting less than a year. Of course to be married eight times in four decades one can't dawdle in any one location too long.
The absurdity of it gets downright humorous, but in all seriousness this is the institution we are told must be safeguarded by not allowing gay and lesbian persons to participate. Please. Heaven forbid that people in decades-long committed relationships should be seen as married, and be granted the legal rights of marriage. That would certainly make a mockery of this august estate. Clearly my frustration over this subject has devolved into sarcasm so let me share what Peter Gomes, chaplain at Harvard University, wrote in last Sunday's Boston Globe:
To [restrict the definition of marriage] will do nothing to restore the difficult circumstances of modern marriage. Divorce will not be halted, abuse will not be eliminated, frivolous heterosexual liaisons such as the recent publicity stunt of Britney Spears will still be lawful, and annulments will still be sought and obtained in the church courts. Nothing will be done to save marriage, and yet in the name of doing so, incalculable, retrogressive, and even punitive damage will be done to those of our fellow citizens who under the civil law crave the legitimization of their loving relationships. The defense of marriage demands much more than legislative manipulation enshrining the status quo.
Well said, and I recommend the rest of the article to you as a worthy discussion of marriage and civil rights. The one question I have yet to hear an answer to from those who oppose gay marriage is this: "what possible harm does it do you to allow others to be married?" As my mother would put it, "What skin is it off your nose?" To say that it is against scripture is both inaccurate (a whole other sermon) and irrelevant. We do not live in a theocracy; separation of church and state is still alive and kicking, and marriage in Massachusetts has since the time of the Puritans been a civil, not a religious, affair. If you have or have heard a better response to the question of what possible harm gay marriage could cause I hope you will share it with me, because I am truly baffled.
I also hope that if you are as stumped as I am to answer that question that you will contact your senator tomorrow regarding the defense of marriage act pending in NH or attend the senate committee hearing at the Concord State house on Tuesday. Allowing NH to disallow civil unions and marriages from other states is moving in the wrong direction. UU's have been in the center of the fight in Vermont and in Massachusetts. Let's see if we cannot have as strong a voice here in NH.
For love is important to everyone. As much as the state may regulate and culture manipulate, they change not love. Love is a basic human need and a basic human instinct. When we release the myth we are free to embrace love. We are free to love our self and the other. Free to love Valentine's Day. Not for its tokens, but for its opportunities.
For Valentine's Day, and every day, I wish you the joy and challenge of real love. Embrace the day and the sentiment. Make tissue paper valentines and make sure the people in your life know the depth of your caring. Move beyond the myth. Embrace the love.
Jackie Clement
15 February 2004
Copyright © 2004 Jacqueline R. Clement. All rights reserved
